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In the photo above, you'll see Jolene's first pre-drink test. The "C" on the test stands for "Control." The line next to it appears whether the test is negative or positive. The "T" stands for "Test." If a line appears in "T," the test is negative. As you can see above, Jolene was not able to produce a "T" line because she is high af.

The drug tests we purchased are pretty standard pee tests. Basically you wee into a cup, take the cap off the drug test, and then submerge the little rectangular piece at the end for about ten seconds. The test we bought for the purposes of this experiment are used specifically to detect THC and nothing else. For context, Jolene’s marijuana consumption is probably slightly, but not much, below average for stoners. She smokes a bowl most days after work, and blazes up two to three times a day on the weekends. Occasionally she’ll have an edible or do a dab, but says she usually sticks to traditional smoking methods—bowls, bongs, and joints. Most of these drinks caution “heavy” users to double their dosage, or go with a more concentrated version, so if you smoke more or less than Jolene, you’re likely to have different results. And none of the results we got here should be considered scientific or at all conclusive.

Detox Drink Test #1: Rescue Detox Blueberry Ice Instant Cleansing Energy. First up, we had Jolene try out a 17-ounce bottle of Rescue Detox. According to Karen, the very sweet Applied Sciences customer service lady we reached at the “LIVE SUPPORT” number listed at the bottom of the bottle, Jolene had to avoid eating for five hours before she did the cleanse. Luckily, it was Sunday, so Jolene had just woken up from a four and a half hour nap after spending the morning smoking and eating an entire large portion of Popeye’s mac and cheese, as one does. Karen told her to drink Rescue an hour before “cleansing time,” then refill the bottle with water twice and drink that within 30 minutes. She was then supposed to pee three times, after which she should be good to go for three to five hours. The drink itself was a bright, neon yellow that looked slightly radioactive. Jolene said it tasted like synthetic blueberries and had a distinct aftertaste. She chugged it down over the course of ten minutes, and then refilled the bottle twice, choking down gulp after gulp of weird-tasting water until her stomach was bursting with 1.5 liters of liquid. After three pees that, in Jolene’s words, “looked like I drank highlighter ink,” she took the test. Jolene tested negative for THC, despite having smoked several pre-noon bowls just hours before. We were both pretty shocked by this turn of events. If you follow the instructions, you might pass your test, but the extreme color of your pee might raise some alarm bells in a clinical setting. Plus, the amount of water you need to drink is a little excessive. We’ve got your “drug test, how to pass” cliff notes right here. Detoxing for a drug test can be a nightmare, especially if you’ve only got a little bit of time to clean out your system. Because weed can stay in your system far longer than almost any other recreational drug, getting clean urine on the quick can be a sticky subject for marijuana smokers. Despite weed being legal in nine states across the US, federal bans still require some users to “pee clean” for certain occupations, which seems pretty unfair for a casual user. While it’s by far the least dangerous drug taken recreationally, it can take weeks to completely get out of our bodies, even though it only takes a few hours to stop making us high. This is all due to how the body processes marijuana, and each individual body processes it a bit differently. Weed is a fat-soluble drug, which means that it binds to fats in our bodies. So for heavy consumers- both people who smoke a lot, and/or people who are overweight, this can be a really tricky test to pass. It’s also rare that any employer who’s trolling your urine for drugs, to differentiate between recreational use and medical.

So whether you’re hitting a blunt to relax, or poppy a gummy for chronic pain, most employers don’t care. Luckily for all users, there are some simple ways to clean your system for a drug test, fast. For a healthy body, the best detox drink is a combination of water and time. Because marijuana is a fat soluble drug, the best way to clear it from your system fast is to eat healthy foods that are low in fat and sugar. Maintaining the ideal weight and staying well hydrated are also ways to prime your body to get rid of residuals quickly. If you’re a heavy smoker and you know you have a test coming up, stop smoking as far in advance as you can. The better your overall health is, the less time your body will take to clean itself out.

Most of the toxins in our bodies are mitigated and eliminated thanks to the help of our liver and kidneys. Key points to remember in keeping these filter organs happy are to drink plenty of water, eat a low sodium, low sugar diet, and try and abstain from high amounts of alcohol use. The happier these organs are, the quicker you self clean. Exercise helps reduce your bodies THC content by burning the fat that the THC attaches itself to. Having a good amount of base musculature serves to increase a bodies metabolic rate, which means you can burn fat just by sitting around.

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